I know that it's been weeks... and it's technically not Tuesday anymore. Sorry!

Title: This Move Is Difficult
Word Count: 141
Story Notes: I wrote this a few months ago, back when we were talking about moving to Oregon. I don't actually think my mom plans on leaving New York any more, but we are going to Portland next Tuesday to check things out. The thing is, I want to leave New York - but it's so damn hard thinking of all the things I'll have to leave behind. It makes me sick when I consider how much I have to give up if I really want to be free of this damn state.

I’ve got a new haircut

I can’t stop touching it

I love the way she cuts my hair

I give her free reign

It comes out amazing every time

Soon I’ll leave New York

Soon I’ll have to find someone else

To cut my hair

I know it doesn’t seem like much

But it feels like a lot

I’m tired but can’t sleep

My mind keeps racing

I’ve been told I have to choose wisely

What I will bring when we leave

What does that mean?

Do I need to shed every bit of my old life?

My books, my records, my movies

All left in New York

Nothing but me in Oregon

If we even go to Oregon

Mom has a fickleness about her

And I’m only moving because of her

I’m having second thoughts about leaving

Don’t tell anyone

I'm posting a bit early because I don't want to forget later.

Title: At Night, I die
Word Count: 83
Story Notes: Another poem I wrote during one of my really bad times. I like this one; it's sad, but it contains hope... kind of.

At night, I die

Only to be born again in morning

The warmth of the sun

Brings life back to my body

Alive at least, I cry out in pain

Such agony in life

That I cannot be thankful in its return

Fleetingly, I wish for death

For oblivion

I ponder my existence

And wonder if existing in pain is better

Than not existing at all

I choose to exist

I live in pain

I exist in pain

And at night, I die

Less Than Shadows

Title: Less Than Shadows
Word Count: 58
Story Note: The thing about depression is that sometimes you just get so freaking lost. Like you'll never find your way out of this dark fog. That you'll never be able to be yourself again because that person is gone. That the world is going to end. That's what this is about.

Lying in my bed at night

I get the strangest feeling that

The day will never come again

The moon is hidden in thick fog

It shines no light into my room
The world outside is less than shadows

I remember being told

That the stars would guide me home
But I’m already home and still so lost

I need help

My page view counter says that people actually come to this blog (but no one ever subscribes or comments?) so I'm just going to post this here.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/93l2/life-saving-depression-treatment

I am in desperate need of help funding a life saving treatment for my depression. I have been going to treatments for 3 weeks and they seem to be working, but they cost $400 out of pocket for each one and I go 5 days a week. My mom is paying for them with the money she has put aside for her old age.  Even if you can’t afford to donate, sharing this would be awesome. Please help me get the word out. I need this treatment. I have been suicidally depressed for years and TMS is saving my life.

Any donation will help or, if you can't afford it just sharing it to friends or on a social network would be awesome.

If you have Tumblr, this is the link for the current post http://newslang06.tumblr.com/post/53859250202/help-support-life-saving-depression-treatment

Thank You.

I missed a week again. Sorry!

Title: Tonight The Moon

Word Count: 47

Story Notes: A few years ago, weeks before I had a nervous breakdown, I had done an internship at a nursing home in the Bronx. At the end of the week, someone was coming to pick me up. I sat in the waiting room bored out of my mind and maybe a little melancholy that what had turned out to be a great week had ended. I wrote this poem there. 

Tonight the moon was beautiful

Now it’s hidden behind clouds

At one time there were stars here

But they've all twinkled out

At sunset the air was warm

Now icy wind has blown

And all my friends have gone to sleep

And left me all alone 

Oh man! It's been a month. Oops.

Title: Empty
Word Count: 74
Story notes:  Another poem about symptoms of my depression. I quite like this one.

I’m cold and empty

Nothing more than

A lonely shadow

It’s the greatest pain

One so familiar

The feeling of feeling

Nothing at all

It settles deep

Within my being

It weighs heavy

Against my soul

Nothing there

But everything, all the same

Bottled up

Struggling to break free

Sometimes I scream

Into my pillow

I don’t want anyone

To hear my pain

The pain of nothing

Of being cold

And very, very empty

Title: Of Rain And Work

Word Count: 111

Story Notes: Another poem written about my job. It eats away at me constantly but I can't exactly find a way that I can quit. 

It’s raining tonight

I thought I’d be asleep by now

Just a few hours ago,

My eyelids were so heavy

But sleep evades me yet again

The rain is a constant noise

The air inside is chilled

This house is never the right temperature

Always too hot or too cold

She groans from her bedroom

She loves to complain

I don’t think she really needs anything

She just wants to know that someone cares

I can sympathize

Maybe that’s why I haven’t quit

If it were warmer, I’d love to go out in the rain

It’s freeing to stand there and let it downpour around you

I could use freeing tonight