I need help

My page view counter says that people actually come to this blog (but no one ever subscribes or comments?) so I'm just going to post this here.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/93l2/life-saving-depression-treatment

I am in desperate need of help funding a life saving treatment for my depression. I have been going to treatments for 3 weeks and they seem to be working, but they cost $400 out of pocket for each one and I go 5 days a week. My mom is paying for them with the money she has put aside for her old age.  Even if you can’t afford to donate, sharing this would be awesome. Please help me get the word out. I need this treatment. I have been suicidally depressed for years and TMS is saving my life.

Any donation will help or, if you can't afford it just sharing it to friends or on a social network would be awesome.

If you have Tumblr, this is the link for the current post http://newslang06.tumblr.com/post/53859250202/help-support-life-saving-depression-treatment

Thank You.

I missed a week again. Sorry!

Title: Tonight The Moon

Word Count: 47

Story Notes: A few years ago, weeks before I had a nervous breakdown, I had done an internship at a nursing home in the Bronx. At the end of the week, someone was coming to pick me up. I sat in the waiting room bored out of my mind and maybe a little melancholy that what had turned out to be a great week had ended. I wrote this poem there. 

Tonight the moon was beautiful

Now it’s hidden behind clouds

At one time there were stars here

But they've all twinkled out

At sunset the air was warm

Now icy wind has blown

And all my friends have gone to sleep

And left me all alone 

Oh man! It's been a month. Oops.

Title: Empty
Word Count: 74
Story notes:  Another poem about symptoms of my depression. I quite like this one.

I’m cold and empty

Nothing more than

A lonely shadow

It’s the greatest pain

One so familiar

The feeling of feeling

Nothing at all

It settles deep

Within my being

It weighs heavy

Against my soul

Nothing there

But everything, all the same

Bottled up

Struggling to break free

Sometimes I scream

Into my pillow

I don’t want anyone

To hear my pain

The pain of nothing

Of being cold

And very, very empty

Title: Of Rain And Work

Word Count: 111

Story Notes: Another poem written about my job. It eats away at me constantly but I can't exactly find a way that I can quit. 

It’s raining tonight

I thought I’d be asleep by now

Just a few hours ago,

My eyelids were so heavy

But sleep evades me yet again

The rain is a constant noise

The air inside is chilled

This house is never the right temperature

Always too hot or too cold

She groans from her bedroom

She loves to complain

I don’t think she really needs anything

She just wants to know that someone cares

I can sympathize

Maybe that’s why I haven’t quit

If it were warmer, I’d love to go out in the rain

It’s freeing to stand there and let it downpour around you

I could use freeing tonight

Title: Louise Is Sleeping
Word Count: 55
Story Notes: Another work related poem

Louise is sleeping

For once, the house is at peace

I ate too much

The blueberries tasted like mold

Despite the fullness in my belly,

I feel sleep coming

I know the moment I close my eyes

She’ll be up and needing attention

My job doesn’t allow for much sleep

Maybe I should change careers

Totally missed last week. Oops.

Title: Shadows And Fog
Word Count: 77
Story Notes: Something happened to me last week that nearly sent me spiraling to suicide. This is something that came from that darkness.

Today the world’s in fog

The colors seem so muted

When I told my mother my suspicions

Her eyes filled with tears

She looked straight at me

And she did nothing to assure me

That my assumptions were wrong

My whole life I’ve tried

To get blood from this stone

A fruitless task, I realize now

And coming to terms

With this thing I now know

Has cast me deep

Into a world of shadows and fog

Title: Lucinda Dreams
Word Count: 270
Story Notes: I wrote this yesterday. It probably could use some sprucing up, but I kind of like it the way it is. It's 8am and I haven't slept and but I tried to do a quick once over to make sure that everything makes sense.

Lucinda had a dream. She found herself in the home of her childhood. Everyone was there. Everyone who was long dead sat at the kitchen table; Mom had had made her famous meatloaf. In her dream, they had all been aged. Grant would be close to graduating high school. He wore glasses, their lenses thick black. His clothes stylish, his pants tight; her baby brother was a hipster. He laughed when she told him so.

Dad told a story from work. He had been promoted last month. Soon, he said, he would be bringing home the big bucks. Maybe they could go on a trip this summer; Mom looked wistful and told them how much she wanted to go back to Key West.

A loud crash sounds in the apartment next door. Lucinda is pulled roughly from her dream into reality. A reality where they never went to Key West and Grant never made it out of middle school, where Dad had never been promoted and Mom’s famous meatloaf recipe had burned up in the fire that took their lives. They were all dead.  And yet, the dream had felt so real. Almost like she had entered into a world where her life had never come crashing down around her.

                Lucinda closed her eyes and thought of her family. She remembered the smell of Mom’s cooking. She remembered the sound of Grant’s voice and the feel of Dad’s arms around her as he held her tight.  Slowly it started to come back to her. She smiled as she drifted off.

Lucinda dreams. And when morning comes, she doesn’t wake up.